We did not hear from the urologist this weekend but Craig did talk with some dr. friends at church who can help connect him with some pulmonologists.
It was a long weekend. I feel like Craig and I are really doing some spiritual battle, trying to take our thoughts captive and not give in to fear and anxiety. It is EXTREMELY hard. We are holding on to hope and we know that God works in all things, is all powerful despite statistics or probable outcomes. But when the "C" word is at the back of your mind. . . it's just a constant battle.
Craig and Hans were snoring away on Sunday so we didn't make it for Sunday school but did attend late service. It will sound strange to some of you but I felt such a release when we walked through those doors. I felt like I had been holding it together all week but being in this church full of people who love each other and love Jesus just opened the flood gates of my heart. I didn't make it through the first song before the tears started pouring. I had to step out because I knew the ugly cry was coming! God placed two of the sweetest women there for comfort just when I needed it. God IS always caring for us!
Pastor Burt's message seemed written just for us yesterday. It was the story from 2 Corinthians 12, about Paul and his thorn. He talked about Satan's torment, pleading for God to take the thorn away and why sometimes God leaves the thorn. If you are familiar with the story, you know how hard it was to listen to. This has been the struggle for us; pleading with God to not let Craig's cancer come back and yet, trying to surrender to, "Your will, not mine be done." As I have shared with our pastor, that is one the hardest prayers to pray. How do you get to the place of surrender when you're talking about the person my soul has loved for 28 years? I am not kidding, sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode.
I am not even close to "for Christ's sake, delighting in hardships, difficulties" as Paul was. I do want to be willing. I can, however, "boast about my weaknesses". Since Craig was first diagnosed, I have experienced times of great strength that came from deep inside of me. I could not even pretend that the strength was from me; it is ALL JESUS. I am the weakest of weak but He makes me strong every single time I need it. He leads me and guides me. It is an incredible thing to have the power of Christ pouring through you. So, if He can make this weak girl strong, He can lead me to a place of surrender, too.
I love how Jesus responds to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." That says it all.